Health Update VIII (Without Stagnation there is no Pathology) sent 9/18/7

Soldiers,

So, here are a couple more silly notions that occurred to me last week: 1. Cindy the Tumor has the voice of the Wicked Witch, and every time I get chemo she shrieks horribly “I’M SHRINKING!!!! SHRIIII-III-NNKIIINNNGGGGG”. 2. You know how you can buy a star and name it after someone? I think I should start a business where cancer patients put their tumor up for auction so that people can then name it after their sworn enemies.

Now that you all have a bird’s eye view into my demented imagination…..

Chemo round 2 (ding ding!) has kicked my ass a little. My doc said that the fatigue builds on itself more than any other side effect, and this time was noticeably harder than the last time. This past weekend was full of fun activities, but after each one I had to rest up. I got up early Sat morning and took a walk, then took my Aunt to the Farmers Market, and when we got back from that I passed out until it was time to take my Gram and Aunt to the airport. Then in the evening a friend picked me up and took me to a party (where I saw the film “Robocop” for the first time ever…it was great!) and after a few hours I was again completely exhausted. On Sunday I went to church with my friend E.B. and afterwards I was approached by a woman who had been diagnosed and treated at the age of 33 with breast cancer. Talking to her made me cry (as does a lot of things lately…I find that I cry very easily these days. It’s not a bad thing; I am just much more emotionally fragile and emotionally moved than usual.) This woman just passed her 49th birthday, but she was able to talk to me about what her experience was like as a younger woman. What sticks out for me is how much treatment has changed even in just the past 20 years. After church I again had to go home and sleep. Then on Sunday evening my yoga teacher had me over to her house. She had prepared a set and some meditations specifically for me and my situation. They all have a ‘warrior woman’ and healing theme running through them, and she also focused them on the upper body since I am working the lower body so much with the Duke exercise study. She essentially did a one on one session with me, and then we went to Twisted Noodle and had dinner. (Slow service to start, but overall it was great!) Then, I went home and crashed. See a pattern?

The other thing I see as a pattern is food = fuel for me. While I was at church there was a festival going on and they were serving hot dogs. E.B. brought me one, and even though I was not feeling specifically hungry as soon as I ate it I felt 10 times better than I had the moment before. I have never experienced such an a + b = c connection to such basic needs as rest and food.

My hair is coming out now. I can literally reach up and grab a tuft of hair and tug it straight out of my scalp. It’s totally creepy. I asked E.P. to come to my house this week and give me another buzz cut. Even in just the past couple of weeks it has grown in considerably, so even this small amount of hair loss is pretty gross. The other weird side effect I noticed after both chemo’s is this sensation of my skin hurting. It is not like anything I have ever experienced before. It is literally sore. Both times that also passed in a day or two. Also, like the last one the fatigue seems to let up the farther out I get from chemo. Everyday away from it I feel better and more perky.

I had another acupuncture appointment of Monday. That has been too cool. Once again Ken would tell me to touch the cancer site, then he would find points and when he would insert the needle the tumor would become dramatically smaller and softer. He told me that the acupuncture allows for better blood circulation (because tumors have extremely poor circulation), and for this reason it aids any therapies you are employing against them. He told me that in Chinese medicine the only blanket statement they make on health is “Without stagnation there is no pathology”. He also started me on an enzyme called “protease” and sent me an article about a doctor who is working with terminally ill pancreatic cancer patients who is achieving an unheard of 50% cure rate with them using just enzyme therapy alone. It is amazing stuff…very over my head. He talks and after awhile I just start nodding and smiling. I will post the article on my blog space for anyone interested in reading it. Ken also let me know that I should be eating bone broth everyday. The lovely and amazing fellows at Piedmont (http://www.piedmontrestaurant.com/home.html local folks, you should patronize them!) made a bunch for me and as of yesterday I have been adding it to everything I’m eating. All of these efforts work to increase my red and white blood cell counts, and in general make me stronger, nourished and energetic enough to keep up this fight.

I had this dream over the weekend during one of my 100 naps. I was running in a race; I was running for a very long time and I was hot, thirsty and tired. The environment I was running through was odd; it was a crowded festival atmosphere and sort of indoors...like I was running past gym bleachers, crowds of people and booths etc, but on a large and wide scale. I realized at some point that I was very close to the end of the race and that I was going to be able to finish it. When I got to the end there was a small group of people there, all of whom had also finished the race. There was a slight sense of camaraderie, but it was overshadowed quickly by the realization that now that we were at the end of the race we were all expected to participate in a talent show. I was expected to have something prepared for this and suddenly my feeling of accomplishment went to one of great anxiety because I did not have something ready.

My friend E.B. did a Guided Journey with me this evening (sort of a mixture of meditation and talk therapy). She asked me at the beginning what my goal is and I told her “I want to be cured of cancer, have my life and its uncertain future back, and pursue all that I love with a total absence of fear for the rest of my life.” This dream felt analogous to that goal. Right now Cindy has the wheel; she is the center of attention. I want that control back; I want to go back to my biggest obstacle in life being the limits of my imagination and my drive. I feel like a kid who has learned her lesson, but I have to take my lumps now. But I know that once I am done here, good things await. Freedom from illness and freedom from fear. I'll be squirming in my seat until the bell rings.

When I am cured I am throwing the biggest damn party and you are all invited. When the party is over I will continue to celebrate with every day of my life.

I salute you.

Much Love,
M.J.