a shrink is a person in your neighborhood....

Today I voted for the first time ever in my life....I am duly embarrassed to admit. I knew absolutely nothing about anyone on the ballot save the presidential candidates. I am unaffiliated so I chose to vote Democrat, and I voted for Obama. I saw him speak at the Dean Dome a couple of weeks ago and it was quite inspiring. I see why he has moved so many to become active.

My ovaries were offended by this choice so in every other category I voted for women. If there was more than one I chose the name I liked best. If there were only men I chose them alphabetically. I am an effective citizen.... I'll do better next year. It was actually really easy, and when I heard that Obama won NC I got a little surge of pleasure.

On my way into the polls I ran into a therapist I was seeing in 2006 when my biggest life angst was whether or not I should marry an ex-boyfriend of mine. I was so emotionally dead locked over it that I sought out professional help. It was a helpful process, and of course I covered a lot more territory in that time other than my love life. One thing I talked with him about were some of my irrational fears, that all revolved around being out of control. For example, around this time I went to see the movie 'Snakes on a Plane' and I was so anxiety prone after the movie that I was not sure I was safe to be driving. I was scheduled to be on an airplane not long after I saw this movie, and the subject matter made me aware of how much I hate to fly. It is a great thing, but I hate the sense of absolute helplessness I get when there is turbulence. Even a little bump has me white knuckled. It is about control, or the lack of it when I am in an airplane. And of course, when all those cobra's come flying out of the luggage rack, well forget it.

The other thing I admitted to the therapist that I was afraid of was developing breast cancer. I considered this an irrational fear because there was no very real reason for me to have it. I was young, healthy, and I went for check ups regularly. How insanely bizarre that less than a year later I did in fact get diagnosed with it. It has caused me to think more than once that it was just a part of my karma ~ something my soul chose to endure in this life in order that I might learn and grow.

Shannon was as delighted to see me as I was him. He hugged me and then proceeded to ask me some really good questions; no surprises there. The odd thing was that he did not let me get a word in edgewise. I found myself attempting to interrupt him and add my own comments to his ruminations and he just ran right over me. I realize that outside of the office he is perhaps not always in constant attentive listener mode. He was very supportive and affirming of my choices. He told me that he was watching a documentary about John Adams, and how one of his sisters (I think) had breast cancer...and the remedy was mastectomy. He noted that it struck him that it seems insane that we are still practicing this as a standard of care a couple of centuries later.

I also got a call today from Barbara. She is the acupuncturist I am working with on a local level to get me on Yance's herbal protocol. She basically called to get a fire under my ass for getting the blood tests and medical records gathered. I needed the nudge. I was feeling overwhelmed and frozen and the push was helpful. I emailed my folks at Duke, and asked for their help. It is my hope that they will order the tests for me, and because they are my cancer folks my insurance will cover it. I have no idea if they will help me, but I needed to ask. Once I know one way or the other, I will make an appointment and get that underway.

I also have a very solid lead on a foster home for my dog! My friend K.B. has offered to do some exploration on it. She is watching her boyfriends dog while he is in Russia, and so long as there does not seem to be a dominance issue she may take Audrey for me now. That would be so awesome! Then I can focus my energies on moving out.

My friend P.S. was joking about how quickly I seem to get the things I ask for. We both watched 'The Secret' back in Feb and make a lot of corny jokes about it. I must admit that things feel very much like they are falling into place exactly as they are meant to for me. I look at the path of this past year, and it all looks very right. I don't know what it means yet; I will be discovering that and figuring it out for the rest of my life, most likely. I can't articulate it any better than this, right now.

The truth is always hopeful. Barbara told me that while sticking dozens of needles into me on her table a few weeks ago. My life is so beautiful. I was taking part in a film shoot on Sunday for a local theater production, and I got to spend some time with my lovely friend M.B. I was recounting the past 6 months and how difficult they have been for me. She said "But look at where you are now. Look at what your doing! Your out here doing this movie, on this beautiful day." It made me cry. It was exactly on. I will often take my present self, and go back to my former sick self and say 'look; here is what is ahead. you keep fighting because it is all worth it and soon the pain will be a vague memory of a bad dream.'

What a good day; working, voting, running into vestiges of my former life, living. If only my damn nose would stop running! All the rolling around in the grass I did last Sunday had turned my nose into a snot faucet.

On that lovely image, I say good night!