I am addicted to sugar

Getting the majority of the sugar out of my diet / life has proven to be the hardest things that has challenged me with cancer. I do pretty well, and always strive to do my best these days with my diet. I buy organic as much as possible, I don't drink alcohol or soda anymore. I don't eat at fast food restaurants. I eat lots of fruits, veggies, whole sprouted grains, and drink lots of water. I can't seem to stop craving and seeking out sweets. I can't seem to say no to them. I am so frustrated! It really is a physical addiction. I feel like the smoker who really wants a cigarette or the alcoholic who can't unwind without a drink.

In the book 'Nourishing Traditions' the authors advise you to not underestimate the power of prayer when trying to make good decisions about sweets. The book is full of wonderful recipes for natural wholesome dessert choices. But even here they caution not to over indulge.

Life is so good. I am happier than I have been in years. My life in the past few months has been in a huge state of flux, all for the good. I moved out of my cute little cottage that I loved living in, and in with my friend N.Q. She has an adorable little bungalow in Durham and she is such a rock star. I LOVE living here with her. Not long before I moved in she got bit by a huge land scaping bug and she did all this gravel and mulch arranging in her front yard. Then, she hauled 45 bags of gravel in her mini cooper (not all at once!) and built a meditation garden in her back yard. It is lined with tea lights, and she planted cute flowers, hung lanterns and in general created with her own hands this incredibly lovely space in her home. She has been incredibly welcoming to me and made me feel so at home here. My first night here was pretty surreal, and she made sure to hug me and tell me "Welcome Home". Also, amusingly she told me I could bring my dog for just a week or two and now she is madly in love with her and she doesn't want her to leave! Audrey has that effect on most people. I eventually get used to those who want to visit purely to see her. N.Q. also works from home so she spends a lot of her day with Audrey and she walks her so I have quickly become the second best. *sigh*

I am officially on the Donald Yance regime. I got a slew of blood labs drawn, my full medical history from UNC and Duke, and sent that all off to a guy named Jason who works with Yance. I had a phone consult with him at Barbara's house about a week and a half ago. The two biggest things he started me with were Vitamin D and Zinc, both of which I am currently deficient in. He also has me massaging my left breast with Poke Oil morning and evening, and of course doing the herbal smoothies three times a day as I had been. He said he felt they would want to keep me on this regime for 2 years, and then reevaluate and start stepping it back. Today I started taking some mega doses of Zinc (120 mg, in a liquid form) and Vitamin D (10,000 mg in capsules). I started with the poke oil yesterday. It smells very pleasant. In about 6 weeks he wants me to have the levels of Zinc and Vit D tested again to see if they are up to the levels he wants them. My case will also be going up in front of Yance and a panel of other multi-disciplinary specialists. He is apparently the man, so I am super curious to know what he and the other folks have to say.

I am scared. It continues to be a scary decision to make. My friend H.W. and I were catching up last weekend and she set out to question me about my choices. She was very blunt. I was talking about how some people think I am wacky for doing things this way and she said "Well, you are." She prodded and questioned me. She asked me if I was afraid of my looks being damaged by surgery. I understood the direction of the question, but it was a hard one to answer. Of course that scares me, and I don't think it's wrong that it does. I don't think that my self image is something I should not care about. Of course, I should not care about it more than my life and I don't. I would rather not have a breast than die of cancer. But to me, having to make that choice seems totally wrong. Harriet ended our conversation by saying to me "I don't think you understand cancer. It is a wily and sneaky opponent."

I asked Jason if he could put me in touch with other people on Yance's protocol. I want to talk to people at all stages: just starting out like me, through it and on the other side, and in the middle. I want to talk to folks that are combining therapies like me, and those who have completely forsworn traditional treatment. I want to talk to other women with breast cancer who have done and are doing this. I told Jason that there are a million organizations and groups out there for women doing things the traditional way, but the moment I stepped out of that box my journey became very lonely. Not that it was not lonely to begin with...but at least I could find company if I wanted it. There was so much open hostility on the YSC boards about alternative treatments that I eventually stopped going there. I assumed (perhaps wrongly, but I don't know) that I would not be supported by women who were committed to doing things 'the normal' way. There was a lot of talk on there about 'the new normal' that living with cancer creates.

Well, one thing I am not doing is getting enough sleep, or exercise. N.Q. is always off for a long walk, jumping rope, or doing yoga...she puts me to shame! I am determined to hit the gym everyday this week and do the bike and swim. So, with that in mind it's time for some shut eye!

This journey continues to be a fascinating one. I feel like I am on the yellow brick road sometimes. There are dark places along the way, juxtaposed with fields of poppies, and I keep discovering wondrous new friends. I think that would make N.Q. the tin man, with her generous heart. I am one punk rock Dorothy, and I am doing things a little backwards. I melted the hell out of the Wicked Cindy first, and then started my trip to the Emerald City with my little brown dog and an army of brave soldiers marching behind me.

There's no place like home.