Three meditations and three people to thank one year later

Today was the one year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis.

I took the day off of work. I contemplated on elements of 'my perfect day' and tried to create that as much as possible. I forced myself to sleep in. I spent a long time doing yoga and meditating. I went out for lunch with my best friend. Then I bought some big pink daisy's and wrote three thank you cards. One to A.O. who delivered the news to me last year that I had cancer. She took me into a small quiet office and sat with me for a long long time. I was stunned. I asked her if I was going to die. She very honestly told me that some women do die from what I had, but that she was going to work very hard to help me have the best chances I could of survival. She was compassionate, and concerned that I not be alone.

One went to M.K. my supervisor at work. I went back into the office on this day last year because I thought I had left my cell phone there. M.K. pulled me into an empty conference room and got an HR person in there to talk to me about some of the work logistics and what resources were available to me. Then she kidnapped me and took me to her home and made me some lunch. We had a long talk about love, and life. She asked me about the new guy I was dating, and I told her I was going to break up with him because I just couldn't see us continuing to date now that I had this going on. She encouraged me to not jump the gun on that, to talk to him, and to give him a choice in the matter. She then gave me a quiet spot, and a phone so I could start calling my family.

The last one was for A.M. He came to my house in the early evening this time last year. It was sunny and warm outside; a beautiful night. We sat on my porch on my new wicker couch that I had bought just weeks prior because my family was coming to visit me for the first time in the 3 years I had lived here and I wanted to impress them. He asked me how my day was, and when I said "Well, I got some bad news today" he grabbed my arms and his face looked as stricken as that of someone who had known me all my life. He pulled me into a hug and he launched into how much he wanted to be there for me. He asked me how I was feeling and I said "I feel pretty calm right now actually, I think maybe because you are so upset" and he joked that he would be as panicky as I needed him to be. It would be the first of many moments that he made me laugh.

Today I drove to M.K.'s house and I gave her the daisy and the card and we hugged. Her son was crawling around. I remembered being there a year ago and I noticed how different the whole energy of the place was now that there is a baby. I was also struck by what a good energy M.K. exudes.

I then stopped at A.O.'s house. She and her partner were outside with their son. I gave her her card and daisy and we stood and talked for awhile about the past year, and caught up on current stuff. We hugged, and made plans to talk again soon.

Then I met with A.M. I had asked him about a week ago to meet me in a stone gazebo on the Duke campus. I did not want to go to his house, or have him in my living space and I did not want to meet in a restaurant. He had told me once that he spent a lot of time in that gazebo praying when he was student so I chose it. It was very very hard to sit with him. I had to keep taking big deep breaths to keep myself calm. I told him I did not actually have a lot to say, but if he wanted to say anything to me I would listen. He apologized for not respecting who I am, and for trying to make me into what he wanted me to be, and for hurting me. I gave him his card and his daisy and told him that was really why I wanted to see him today. Just to thank him. We left it there, and said good bye.

I did three meditations today. I did one for healing that I used a lot during chemo. (Ra Ma Da Sa). I did that one to honor this year of healing. Many images flashed before me during that one. A.M., A.O., M.K., my oncologist, infusions in the treatment room, the healers in my life, Ken, Acharan, Barbara, and all the people who did healing touch, reiki, kinesiolgoy, vortex, massage and prayed for my health. The people who cooked for me. The people who read my health updates and sent me emails and cards and gave me little gifts. People who came to see me. Doing yoga with my teacher.

I did another one for development of the neutral mind. I did that one because I was going to see A.M. today, and I wanted to be calm and focused. (Wa-Hey-Gu-Ru)

Then I did one for balance of the earth and the heavens in my heart. To remind me of the divine living inside of me, as I am privileged to walk on this earth. (Dharte Hei, Akash Hei, Guru Ram Das Hei)

This evening I have wiled away hours reviewing my journal from this past year. I have written over 200 pages. I would say that over 1/3 of my entries are about A.M. They chronicle days that flow into weeks that become months of time spent on a roller coaster. I have no idea who I would be, where I would be, or what this past year would have looked like without him in it. We certainly have some kind of karma with each other.

While talking to A.O. she said she looked forward to many more anniversaries like this. I said I was looking forward to the one that passes and I forget about it until a week later and I say "oh yeah...last Wednesday was the day..."

That will be a happy day.

Today was a happy day. I am grateful for today. I am grateful for right now. I am grateful for my life.