more of a memo, than an update

Soldiers,

I apologize that I have been so quiet lately. I have gotten several emails and phone calls recently that make me aware that people are worried because I have not been very communicative.

The reason I have been out of touch is because I was waiting to have some concrete news to share. While I am still working on that, let me tell you about the lump of clay I am throwing at the moment.

It was recommended by my doc's that I undergo radical surgery and radiation treatments when I got back to NC in early Jan. I was struggling with this a great deal. I decided to seek the advice/opinion of a couple of different professionals on the matter. I talked to my acupuncturist and to a local researcher named Dr. A.N. I asked both men what they would recommend I do if I opted not to follow this protocol.

Both men were very clear: this was my decision and they were not going to tell me to not listen to my doctor. Neither of them charged me for the time they took to talk this over with me.

K.M. (my acupuncturist) told me that he would recommend that I 'eat like a saint, take enzymes out the wazoo' and he also recommended a couple of books for me to read.

Dr. N ~ who has a PhD in chemistry and for the past 10 + years has been developing his own line of supplements that are sold in our local Whole Foods Markets ~ had a lot of ideas as well. His first suggestion is that I take a plant derivative called evodiamine. He explained that this works in the body like taxol, which is one of the chemo drugs I was given but it is not toxic like taxol is. He pulled some articles from research journals and suggested I ask my oncologist to look them over. Along with this, he recommends taking an anti-tumor/ anti-inflammation / pro-immunity approach to staving off the chance of reoccurence.

Because, here is where I stand now: according to my last two MRI's, for all intents and purposes I am currently cancer free. But like all cancers, and especially breast cancer there is no guarantee that it won't come back. Even if I did everything under the sun that everyone ever told me to do, it could still return. You are never given a stamped and sealed guarantee that you are free and clear forever. K.M. put it well. He said that one 'side effect' of radical surgery is a feeling of being safe, which leads people to stop towing the line. There are things about my life that I absolutely cannot ever go back to. The big three are diet, exercise, and sugar. I will always be watching what I eat very very carefully, I will now be a dedicated exercise nut, and I have to serve divorce papers to my one true love, sugar. Sugar is the food that cancer likes best.

In all Dr. N spent about 3 hours talking to me. He told me that he would continue to work with me on this if I chose to go this route. I sent the articles to H.S., and she agreed to monitor my progress. Her husband is a pharmacologist and together they looked at the research and came up with a dosage. I had an MRI last Friday to establish a new base line. All that remains is for Dr. N to order the evodiamine. Well that, and a life time of conscientious living on my part.

I don't think that this is a 'magic bullet'. I have asked H.S. to help me closely watch for any signs that this approach is not working. If there is evidence that I am in danger of a reoccurence I will return to the original plan. It is important to me to try this way first. This falls into line with what I value fundamentally. Absolutely everything about conventional cancer treatment feels 'wrong' to me, personally. It does not feel like medicine and healing to have your body poisoned and burned and cut. This is in no way a judgment on the many people who choose this route and get results and live long lives. This is also not denial on my part ~ cancer is big, scary and serious. I am taking what I am doing with the utmost seriousness. I believe that our bodies are capable of incredible healing, and outrageous wellness. This approach feels right to me, and I am going to trust my instincts on that. I imagine to you my loved ones, that this will sound scary. I ask you to trust me ~ I have pulled a team of brilliant people around me. I continue to welcome input, advice, and thoughts from anyone. If anyone has questions please feel free to ask.

I plan to update you again once I have a solid action plan in place.

Thank you all so much for being in my life. Please accept my apology for being hard to get in touch with recently. I have had a LOT on my plate.

I salute you.

Love Fabulous Love,
M.J.

my poor arlo

Yesterday my sweet dog Arlo got out of my yard, and was struck by a car. A man in the neighborhood called me, as I was out on an errand.

After about an hour of painful hysterics on my part and through the help of many people I got him to my vet. They stabilized him and gave him morphine to ease his pain. They took x-rays and made an assessment.

His pelvis was broken in several places. My choices were to take him to a specialty hospital where they would continue to monitor him, give him pain meds, and probably recommend multiple surgeries that may or may not have given him his quality of life back, or to euthanize him. My vet was very straight with me; he told me that euthanasia was a completely legitimate course of action, and that he would tell me if he felt otherwise.

I chose to have him put down. Because of the extent of his injuries, the great lengths that would have had to be taken to try to fix him and the huge cost that would have incurred, and lastly and most sadly for me is the fact that I am not well enough to tend to the recovery needs he would have had.

I got home today from an appointment and his absence was like a 10 ton anvil slamming down on my heart.

I plan to have him cremated and to bury his ashes under the fig tree in my back yard. I will also sprinkle some above ground so they can blow away, because he did like to run off and have his adventures. There is not a particular place that he loved ~ he loved anywhere he was able to get attention and food. He was sweet and funny; every time sirens go off and I don't hear him baying his elegant mournful beagle howl my heart will miss him.